Can I be really transparent and open? I hope that, as you read this, you will afford me the grace to just kinda let my hair down a bit.
You know, King Saul has an interesting story. I always look at him as a "how not to be" example. He decided to do life and ministry his way, and so God's favor left him and went to David. After that, Saul held on and tried to kill David and retain his position. Life would have been better for Saul if he had accepted God's move and embraced God's will. But that must have been hard. I understand that the circumstances were really tough for Saul. Today, I understand that all too well. Maybe Saul didn't understand why. Maybe, as a man, it was hard to let what used to be his go to another man, much like an old girlfriend or ex-wife. If I lay aside the why in Saul's dilemma, I find an element of human nature that exists in all of us. I know it exists in me: I hate to lose. I hate rejection. And I hate it when things are beyond my control. Today has been one of those days where I feel like I've lost, I feel rejected, and I am definitely not in control. Today, my former church is voting on my replacement and I am wrestling with knowing that God has it all under control. Today one of my best friends is celebrating his three year anniversary at his church. Today, I am on the outside looking in. I bet this is how Saul felt. I know there are some differences. I don't think at all that God's anointing has left me, nor do I feel that He has rejected me. But, something is just not sitting well within me. Someone else is with my ex-girlfriend, so to speak. Hmmm, I think this is worse. I knew this day would come. I thought it would be easier. And, this morning, as I decided this was silly and irrational, my wife just broke down in tears and cried all during worship, compounding my frustration. She is feeling it, too, and deserves better. At least that affirmed my feelings (she was feeling it, too, even though we didn't talk about it). And, my kids feel it, too. They feed off us and our emotional state. Jeremiah didn't want to go into the nursery this morning. He said his stomach hurt. It got miraculously better when I let him sit with me in "big" church. He colored and snuggled, and told Cayla that church was, "pretty awesome this morning."
I know God has something for me. I know that His calling on me has changed, and I am in the best place I could be. I know I have to trust Him and wait on His voice and His timing. I know all these things, but I'm having a hard time living all these things. So, today I am just breathing, and getting through the day. I am trying to dream of a life that feels normal again. I can see it off in the distance, but the way seems clouded. Ahhh, breathe. Breathe and rest. Lord, show us the elements You are putting into place for us to get back on our feet and get after it. Help me to hear and see You through all of this.
Thanks for letting me vent. It helps to get it out.
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